Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
