two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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