If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Randomize
