I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
