So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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