i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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