gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
