I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
