I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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