i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
