some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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