im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We don't watch enough power rangers
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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