was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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