we have pet lesbian snakes
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
