i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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