She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
