I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
