Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i will never coherently bang her
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I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
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this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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