one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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