is your mom at the bar?
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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