my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
