I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
