I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
