my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
