my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
