I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
