I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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