You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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