I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
