if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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