Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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