I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
