8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
