dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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