So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
