I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
