I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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