just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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