I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
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She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
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He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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