I need to stop coming to work sober
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
