Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
