U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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