the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
