You made me cry and you don't even care
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
