New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
