Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
