If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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