Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
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All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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