apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
