And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
