3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
