I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
