I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
