the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
