If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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