I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
