I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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